4//: Itchy. Tasty.

Well, as I said last entry, schola perficit. By now schola perfecerat, so in honour of scholæ perficientis, I have decided to do a compendium of humorous quotes that I have heard in ISD-181 in my five years here.

“Vegetarians can eat chicken as long as it’s organic.”

[In reference to the Puritans’ belief of “The Elect” doing well] “How could they believe that when the Bible says that the only way you can be saved is to give up everything you own?” [I’m not entirely certain of the wording of that one]

[In reference to the student quoted above] “Actually, she’s a lot better than she used to be.”

[In reference to her again] “If she gets valedictorian, I’ll walk across the stage naked.”

“In Hebrew there are five words for love. [Lists the four Greek words for ‘love’]”

[In reference to Jesus Dress-up] “You know, this could be considered sacrilegious.”

“Don’t go out with people. You know, you get emotionally involved, and then you just break up at the end, and then you’re crushed…
I have a friend who says ‘Well, I’m not going to get married, because you just pay for the wedding and then you have to pay for the divorce.’ Well, then, just don’t get divorced.” [Not sure I about that one, either]

[When hearing about pre-4000 BCE Egypt] “But the world is only 6000 years old. It says so in the Bible.”

“…the three major world religions: Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. I guess Hinduism and Buddhism are getting up there, but for now we’ll call these the big ones.”

[In response to the question “When is Easter?”] “It’s whenever the Church says it is.”

[In response to “Who was Buddha?] “The god of Buddhism.”

“Voy al restaurante porque estoy hombre.”

[In response to the above quote] “You go to the restaurant because you’re temporarily a man?”

“He’s my friend. [Pets partially disemboweled pig fetus]”

[Dialogue] “[Half sarcastically] The correct pronunciation isn’t /a:nt/, it’s /ænt/.”
“Actually, it’s /a:nt/, look in the dictionary.”
“Actually, it’s either. They’re called dialects.”

[After hearing what evolution actually is] “Oh, so you can’t be looking at a monkey in a zoo and POOF it’s a human?”

“…one nation, under God, indivisible…”

[In reference to The Da Vinci Code] “It’s got Tom Hanks, and he trumps the Catholic faith any day.”

[While looking at a Latin dictionary] “This is the best book ever!”

[After being informed that religious harassment is a crime] “So? Being a nark is stupid. I mean, not as bad as being and Atheist, but still…”

[From the same person, after no mention of skill] “Because I’m better than you.”

[About the above quoted person] “…he said ‘it was probably my mom’s dick rubbing against you.’ I swear, that’s the best come-back I’ve ever heard that kid make!”

“Isn’t it true that classical music makes you grow lots of new paths in your brain, while rock actually kills off existing ones?”

[After giving an example of German] “I said that she likes to give head but isn’t any good at it.”

[After hearing about the Law of Conservation of Mass] “Then how did God create the Universe?”

[In response to “Why eat only plants?”] “Because it’s more natural.”

“Time flies. Or, as they say in the Marines, ‘tempus fugit.’ They don’t say ‘when you’re having fun’ in the Marines.”

“I’m aganotistic. I believe in a higher power, but I don’t think it’s God or Jesus or whatever.”

“I see all the horror movies that come out, even that really stupid one, Dawn of the Dead. Or no, not that, Land of the Dead. Yeah, that was the one. I mean, zombies aren’t that smart.”

[After hearing that Atheists have no religious obligations] “Oh, because my pastor told us about some Atheists going to church on Saturday.”

[After hearing the Latin meanings of “penis” and “vagina”] “Hey, you should ask Mrs. [name forgotten] if you can put your tail in her sheath.”

“It was just like Lade spaketh and knowledge did flow forth.”

There are a few quotes that I think were said, but I’m not entirely certain.

“Tengo bored.”

“Holland is the capital of the Netherlands.”

Ah, Brainerd. Any additional quotes would be highly appreciated. Until then, these will be my memories of school over the summer, if I ever care to think about it. Perhaps in my next two years before graduation I will hear more audible delights.